Sensei, it was years before I fully understood what you were teaching. It was even longer until I understood what it was that you gave to us. I’ll never really know if I did you proud and if I lived up to what you expected.
There was a woman who loved a man as the man loved the sea. Her thoughts of him were the same as his thoughts of the sea. They made an old sea chest for their belongings together.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. I mean really saw you. I’d stepped out for a cigarette, and there you were. Just waiting, you were on your way in for your work, and I was sure to follow you. I knew I was going to marry you. Right then, I knew that we were meant to be. You took more than a little persuading. The years since have been a little rough; I won’t lie about that fact. I won’t lie about something else; they have, unquestioningly, been worth it. The fights, the makeups, and, obviously, the quest that won you over, have all been worth everything I’ve had to do in between then and now. I adore you.
I get it. You’ve been under pressure for a long time. Everyone has been looking at you; especially in a way that they haven’t been looking at me. But I know who you were way back when. I’ve seen who you are lately. The difference worries me. I get that you’re under another and different kind of pressure. Sometimes I think that maybe you’ve forgotten just where you came from.
I’ve been killing myself, and I think you know it. Everyday since that triumph over the odds, circumstance, and good sense; I’ve been killing myself by inches. Liquor, tobacco, and the occasional straight razor are the tools of my self-destruction. Every single day is another occasion to which I must rise. Each day is a new challenge. Every night is my Pyrrhic victory over that day. I’ve been struggle for a thousand forevers. I can’t remember the last time I truly felt peace. I always say that I’ll take a little time away from everything, but what about taking the rest of time away from everything? How nice would that be?
See this line on my left hand? It was a dagger meant for you. These blotches on my foot? Acid flung by someone that just wanted you to be a bit uglier. You see this circle? That’s half an inch of lead meant for you. I took all of these, and more. All that I ever asked of you was that you be the man to earn these.
I really don’t know what to do with you. I know that there is greatness inside you. I’ve seen it first hand. I just wish that even a tenth of the drive and passion was still there. I don’t just open up myself to anyone.There are things you’ll do, places you’ll go, and people you’ll meet; all because you want to deserve me. These are the facts of your current life.
Do you know what depression really is? Hopefulness: possible in the physical universe we currently occupy, and how nice would it be? There you have it. That’s rock bottom, ladies and gents. And it’s only fitting, because the zenith was long ago. Your high life has been and gone. Soon, someone will take even this from you. What’s left then? Total oblivion. Welcome home, abandon hope, all who enter here.
What is with you lately. I had expectations. You had the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you came through for us all. Everyone knows your name, even if they have to think about it for a minute. You made something of yourself. You made something out of nothing. Now you flounder and fumble. I had expectations for you.
I’ve always been fascinated by how substances have a clear cause and effect relationship with the body. Everything I take is about clarity of purpose. Focus, speed, and clarity of mind; these are my intended effects.
I’ve been watching you. You look for that disconnect. You want to dull what you feel. There you are at the top of the world, and you want to shut out everthing. Here I am; only better than rock bottom, and I want it all. I need to see anything and everything. I want it. I’ll see you soon. Sooner than you hoped.