I’m sorry. I’m not what I should be. I’m not what you wanted. I’m not what I promised you. These days… I’m not even what I delivered on… Once upon a time. There was a time we were of one mind. Now, I don’t even know you, or, more properly, you don’t know who I am anymore. This is, quite probably, the most disturbing possibility. That I am not who I once thought I was. I’ve never been what anyone thought I was, but the saddest sensation was your disappointed passivity. Are we really total strangers?
Those were dark days when you were gone. The weight was heavier when we didn’t have you bitch and kick ass with us.I was more than slightly relieved when you came back. Now, I don’t know. You’re not who you once were. I respected you then. Now, you’re just some broken perversion of the man that came before. I ask myself daily what the greater mercy would be: to put you down, because of who you were, or to try and put you back the way you were? And all the while, you’re making more problems than you solve.
And I hate you a little for it.
I worry that I’ll never see you again. Every single day, I worry that you’ll find someone better. I worry that you’ll realize what a terrible mistake that I am. I think that you’ll come to your senses all of a sudden. After that, I’m alone. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me, and I definitely don’t deserve you. I wish I did, but you’re out of my league by a wide margin. I don’t know what I would do without you; I’d probably go and do something stupid. So come home quick.
I miss you. The calendar says you haven’t been gone that long. The calender tells me that this is irrational. My heart tells me that eons have passed since last we saw each other. I know that our distance benefits you. I know that this suffering is good for you. I know that, but I feel how wrong this is. I have a bone-deep longing for you. Every moment that we are apart, every inch that separates us, and every hindrance to our unity is an aberration. Our separation is not just unnatural, it is grotesque. I know this, and yet I know how essential this is. It is a torture. I endorse and support it. Even at the cost, I do not begrudge you even a thought. I know what this means to you. I would give my last full measure of devotion to any cause you deemed worthy of it. Such is the measure of my love for you.
You ask me, “Why do you love me?” or “Why did you choose me?”, or some other variation on this infuriating question. Sometimes, I would really rather you ask me if those pants make your ass look big. At least then the answer is a simple ‘no’. ‘What makes me so special?’ Now you want me to explain an immutable quality of the universe. Uhhhhh… Light goes really fast, we can’t see dark matter, lead is really heavy for the space it occupies, and these are the reasons that I love you. ‘Why is the sky blue?’ That’s a reasonable question. Shit, I might even entertain a ‘Why can’t I drink seawater?’. ‘What makes me so lovable?’ I won’t even countenance that question. Take your inquisitive frivolity out of here. I have real conundrums to answer. Less than obvious answers to seek.
You’re the most amazing anybody to ever happen. That’s why.
I am only occasionally visited by the hallucinations of loneliness. You’re here with a comforting word in my ear and calming touch to my cheek. You remind me of all my most treasured memories of us. You walk me through all of our most gleeful plans for the future. i’m not lonely when I look at happy couples holding hands. I’m not lonely, because I’ve lost my mind. I’m crazy, because even though you are a hemisphere away; you’re right here.
I would worry that I were losing truly my mind, if my imaginings were not so comforting. Bliss is ignorance. Or lunacy.
I wonder how much romance is truly transmissible via electron. I only ask because it might come in handy in our present situation. I love you so deeply, I adore you so completely, and I am so totally infatuated with you that I worry about how little of my love you will really receive. Our distance is not easily surmounted or even conscionable. Of course, the distance rarely seems anything but.
I want you to understand that you are always in my thoughts. Without you, my whole world seems dimmer. Nothing is as vibrant or moving in your absence. Your presence makes worthwhile even the most mundane idea. Daily, I struggle and fail to impart to you how much you truly mean to me. I am substantially and irrevocably different, because you are in my life.
Oh, and I’d like to spend forever with you. Just BTW.
The world is cruel. This is the first and greatest truth. All true knowledge flows from understanding this fact. The world is cruel and people are hateful. That is no excuse to multiply the world’s suffering with your own ill conduct. In fact, it is a mandate to alleviate whatever suffering you find in whatever way you can. It doesn’t matter how great the pain or how small the relief. Don’t let life take from you, but give what you can to those that suffer with you. No matter what, you are never alone. For wonderful and terrible, you will always find a counterpart. Sometimes, those that know you best are the foes that you must vanquish. Always keep the difference between a dragon and the knight who slays it. Justification and responsibility are not the same. Might and right are not mutually exclusive. Evil and wrong are not the same. Proper and right are not companions. The world makes strange bedfellows; do not judge too quickly.
Stand up for what you believe, it is the only defensible position and your enemies are already doing the same.